Tell me something...
Why is it that we always gravitate towards the things that we know have great potential to cause us pain????
Why do we want the things that we know we can't have????
The signs are there.... and sometimes they are blatantly obvious....
But because we've filled our heads with "what ifs", "maybe this", "maybe that", "I need this", "I need that","maybe you...not just you but you AND I are wrong",..... and believe me the possibilities are endless... endless I tell you...
Enough so that you want to.... you just want to sssssscccccccrrrrrreeeeeeeaaaaaaaaammmmmmm.... and pull your hair.... and hit something.... rip things apart......until...
You forget just how frustrating and painful things really are because the light has managed to ever so sensually seep through the crack for a fraction of a second and you're temporarily blinded...
You no longer remember the pain, the frustrations, the fog, the questions, the uncertainty, the feelings of unworthiness and being mediocre (misplaced as they may be but real nonetheless) that are daily torments...
But the light is so bright and invoke such a tremendous feeling of contentment that even though you know... with the same certainty that you will take your next breath, that the sun rises in the morning, that GOD is real... that the light's existence is ephemeral you still allow it to feed that warm feeling inside of you that.... makes you want something that you know has the potential to cause you great pain... makes you want something that you know that you can't have....
WHY???????
WHY???????
Heart heavy... you convince yourself that it is better to not care beyond a certain point... because once you've past that threshold not only are you in uncharted territory....(choke) you're not SURE if the excruciating pain that will follow is even worth IT.
All this... the uncertainty, the "not being sure", the unwillingness to live with regrets keeps this cycle going until YOU... ONLY YOU... can say ENOUGH is ENOUGH.
BUT WILL ENOUGH EVER... EVER BE ENOUGH???
It feels like the effort you put in to that relationship didnt pay off at all! At times like that sometimes its easier to focus on concrete things like working out or doing practice tests.....or cleaning...a lot of people I know clean just because they need the feeling you get from doing something and seeing the physical results immediately.
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